When I started this blog I was pregnant and I had no clue! Contrary to what I though, or what people seem to do, writing about it wasn’t an option for me. I tried, I tried for over 3 months to write, but every time I wanted to post, I just felt it wasn’t right.
I couldn’t write not because the pregnancy got me by surprise, but I think it was because I wasn’t (and still aren’t) sure what it means, or what it was, or how to feel about it, it was just a very personal and confusing moment. For me getting pregnant was about curiosity, it sounds weird to some but it is absolutely honest. How could I know if I wanted to be a mother if I had never been one? how can you know you want to take that responsibility if you don’t even know what it means? It’s about the curiosity of an experience, wanting to experience the love, the connection with other being at a completely new level.
Then the sickness, nausea, heartburn appears, NO ONE tells you how difficult it is to be pregnant. You only think, what did I do? What did I get myself into this? There is fear, real fear, and to say you love your baby when you haven’t felt it or seen it, even as growing belly, to me is quite unrealistic. So, you feel guilty, guilty about the bad thoughts, the doubts, the lack of overwhelming love towards you baby, you even feel guilty about feeling ill, as if your body wasn’t good enough for the pregnancy. Not bloody easy at all.
It has been difficult, scary… and enlightening I guess. You feel like a transformer, your organs change place, and trust me you feel it one way or another. At the begging its even scarier, because you ask other women about their pregnancies and most of them will tell you wonderful stories and how they felt nothing, fucking NOTHING! Fuck that.. that’s what I thought. Then, time passes and you realise that most of them, not all but most, forgot about the bad and very uncomfortable things (not to say absolutely horrible things) that come with pregnancy. The will start remembering now and then, some of them will come the conclusion that they did have a difficult time, but other will still acknowledge horrible things but say they felt nothing.
It’s weird, more that weird, ‘men in black’ weird. But I am also weird, I’m now at the end of my fourth month, feeling much better, not great but better, I was watching a series and a pregnant women had a nose bleed, I immediately said ‘OMG what’s happening to her?!’ my husband quite confused turned around and said, ‘what?! Don’t you remember it happens? Your had nose bleeds for a whole month at the beginning of the pregnancy… Then I remembered, but it was so far back in my memory that it completely freaked me out. So weird, I guess this is how we can keep our species growing but it is still very strange. Not only the forgetfulness but how your organs move, what you feel, everything. I also want to say that hormones are more blamed for our mood than they should be, this is a difficult and hard experience with or without raging hormones, we don’t complain because we are hormonal, we complain because this is fiscally hard, more than you ever imagine.
I guess if any women who haven’t been pregnant reads this, might feel a bit put off by my experience. I have to say: don’t. I feel like telling how I feel, I feel like speaking out about the bad, and right now there is not much I can now say about the good, it’s true, but I don’t regret it. I feel in the middle of an adventure, I feel I am experiencing life to the full, I feel like a human, using my body and not only my brain for something that will have a relevant result. I want to experience new things and although this is not pleasant, it has been a huge journey not only within but through humanity. I can help but think when I walk through the streets, that every person walking around me is a result of a pregnancy, of this crazy and strange experience, and I feel part of it.
To end, I think it’s VERY important to say that choosing not to have babies is as brave and valuable as having one, sometimes even more. Having a baby is a difficult decision, but deciding not to have one could be even more challenging as society puts huge amounts of pressure and judgment on women who decide not to. That’s another type of living life to the fullest. Having babies doesn’t make you more than a woman, it doesn’t make you more valuable, it’s a choice of how to exist in a very ambiguous world. I made mine consciously, not as result of pressure and I think that makes me brave.
No more thoughts for now….