A couple of days ago I was checking old pictures and I found pages and pages of writing from my adolescent years. It was quite scary how I could manage to write about my feeling in such an abstract way, to the point they were not really personal thoughts. I hid real emotions behind metaphors and similes. I think the exercise was useful, don’t get me wrong, it did put me through many complex and hormonal moments, but it clearly shows how difficult it was for me to be personal and clear about what I was going through. I might have thought romanticizing my emotions and experiences probably gave more sense to what I was experiencing.
Anyway, I found most of the writing quite boring and detached, but I found three small paragraphs in this ocean of words, that I actually enjoyed. They are not good or clear, but I think they were honest and went to the point. I would like to share them, they don’t have a particular order, here they come:
– For the original version in Spanish see https://catharsis.blog/2017/01/02/palabras-del-pasado/ –
Today I hope for no tomorrow, for no sun, clouds or sky,
I hope there is no following day to wake up, a following day to think or light that allows me to see myself
I want the world to stop spinning and that we all get captured in nothingness,
I hope there is no air, because what is to me breathing if I only suffer,
I don’t want music or art, politics or philosophy, the world to me no longer can be, and I suffer.
I close my eyes, I hope to never wake up, I hope for my dreams to take me away, but they only bring me back to my thoughts…
… Today I hope for no tomorrow, for no sun, clouds or sky, I hope there is no following day to wake up…
The sun rises inevitably
I walk alone under the rain
I walk searching for what has been lost and I can’t find it
I am wearing blue trousers which they rain has painted black
My hands are wrinkled, my shoes are wet, my happiness not there
My makeup runs with the tears of this world
My heart runs through my face
I’m so lonely that I can’t find myself
If I could only find myself, my happiness will be.
I am terrified by the world I inhabit
Its immensity frightens me
But its beauty gives me the strength to attempt to join it
External love will not elevate me or diminish me
My individuality will be my salvation and my happiness